Left Out of the In Crowd
Helping Your Child Deal With School Social Issues
By Michelle Bourg
No matter how well your child is doing in school or how well they get along with their friends, they’re likely to find themselves having to deal with a clique at some point. Maybe your son comes home in tears after finding out he’s the only child in his class who wasn’t invited to a friend’s birthday party. Maybe your daughter is upset because some classmates are being cruel to her, in a scene straight out of “Mean Girls.”
No matter what form it takes, finding yourself on the outs with a group of your peers is no fun.
It feels like cliques have been around, distressing kids and parents, as long as there have been schools. It’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact of life. Human beings—especially children—are social animals, and often
have a deep need to define themselves in relation to a social group. As your child grows up, they’re likely to face a somewhat bumpy road as they navigate their school’s social scenes.
What Is a Clique?
A clique is different from a friend group in that its members are part of the group not because of shared interests or values, but because of a sense of insecurity.
Unsure of their own social standing, members band together to maintain an appearance of popularity, with leaders who determine who and what is “in” and “out.” They often use peer pressure to drag others into their orbit. A clique can cause non-members to behave in ways they wouldn’t on their own, such as mocking or gossiping about a friend. And even well-liked kids who befriend those less popular or “don’t follow the rules” aren’t immune to being subjected to gossip or shunned by the clique.
Cliques are particularly prevalent
during middle school and junior high, when pre-teens are focused on establishing their place in the social order. However, parents and educators are increasingly reporting exclusionary behavior as early as preschool, as children compete for playmates’ attention at earlier ages.
While girls are most often associated with cliques, boys are also affected by them. The good news is that generally, most of these secret clubs have faded by the time high school graduation rolls around.
How to Support Your Child
What should you do when your child finds themselves left out of “the in crowd?” While rejection always stings, there are some actions you can take to ensure that your child maintains his or her self-esteem and is able to forge
genuine friendships:
• Be present for your child. Offer advice if asked, but just listening and letting your child know you’re there for them is often what they most need from you.
• Share your experiences. If cliques affected you as a kid, show your child that it’s a univerSal experience by talking about it. Also, books like “Harriet the Spy” or movies like “The Breakfast Club” are entertaining ways to convey messages of self-esteem and empathy.
• Discuss the social dynamics. Explain the true motives behind exclusionary behavior and point out that members who don’t conform to the group’s unwritten “rules” can quickly find themselves excluded.
• Talk about times that your child may have disliked someone. Remind them that not everyone will be their best friend, and also that feelings often change.
• Encourage outside activities. Getting involved in an activity that he or she is interested in, whether at school or outside of it, will help your child meet new friends and improve his or her confidence, something that in turn attracts friends.
• Respect your child’s need to be accepted, but don’t get caught up in it. Don’t trivialize your child’s pain, but also don’t make it your mission to fix things by trying to buy your child’s way into a group with things like the “right” set of expensive headphones. Don’t express any distress you’re feeling by speaking badly of other children or their parents in front of your child.
• Talk to your child’s teacher. If your child has difficulty making or keeping friends, talk to a teacher that sees him or her regularly. They may be able to give you a sense of the social dynamics in your child’s peer group and how your child interacts with others. It’s possible your child is unwittingly exhibiting behaviors that antagonize others, such as boastfulness or attention-seeking, that can be modified with gentle coaching.
• Monitor their online activity. With the internet, issues no longer stop at the front door. Being aware of your child’s online activity and any social media accounts may offer clues to what’s going on at school. Conversely, if your child is avoiding contact with others online, it may be a sign of problems.
Another thing you can do is to help your child expand his or her social circle. Encourage them to take part in activities, sports or classes that will involve interacting with new kids. (This is also the best route to take when, as often happens, your child finds him or herself suddenly on the “outs” with a peer group.)
Also, while it doesn’t work to try to actively break up a clique, you may want to talk to a teacher about mixing things up in the classroom by changing seat arrangements or assigning different pairs or groups to work together on projects.
It’s never too soon to discuss values with your child and model behaviors of healthy self-esteem, empathy and respect. Encouraging kids to remember the Golden Rule will go a long way toward helping them negotiate cliques throughout their lives, whether they find themselves “in” or “out.”